1) Can You Hear Me??
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”
She replies “For the fourth time it’s chips and chicken!”
2) Conversation Differences Between Men & Women
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Man – Hey! Can I talk to you?
Women – Me?
Man – Yeah…Just for a minute.
It’s the only way to get my wife to stop shopping.
Strike up a conversation with a pretty lady
3) Horse Joke
Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”
Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God”
Woman: Honey I have good news and bad news about the car
Man: Give me the good news first
Woman: The airbags work!
Man to Wife: I’m sick and tired of hearing about what your friends husbands do. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
6) Present Joke
John gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ” “How cute” exclaimed the sales lady, “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”
7) Girlfriend Joke
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”
“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”
“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by the mall and buy her a scale!”
Boss: Tom, we both know you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you haven’t missed one day in 4 years! I would like to reward you! How does a new car sound?
Tom: Umm Vroom vroom?
Man: Hey! Can I talk to you?
Man: Yeah… Just for a minute. It’s the only way to get my wife to stop shopping… Strike up a conversation with a pretty lady!
10) Memory Problems Joke
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”
Lol :) Hope you had a good laugh? Always ensure that in the midst of lifes business, hard work, and stress, you have a little time to smile and be happy. We all need a little fun and laughter in our lives. The Bible says “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). Share the jokes with many of your friends, that may just make their day. Which of these jokes made you laugh the most?
Jokes culled from: http://www.greatcleanjokes.com