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Welcome to our generation of many relationships, broken hearts, marriages, and broken homes. The successful ones also exist, defying the odds and proving others wrong. So today, we’re going to be discussing something very serious. I observe a lot, and I have noticed a very interesting trend amongst couples dating today. And trend is the possessive mentality. Is it not interesting to note that a guy that has probably known a lady for a while walks up to her and says something like: “Hey Jane, you know we’ve been friends for a while now, I want you to know that whenever I look into my future, I notice that it’s incomplete without you. Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives, it’s because he never met you. But I on the other hand have met you and known you, and I want to date you. What do you think?” Let’s say the lady friend says YES, and then trots off happily. She has immediately become his girlfriend right? Right!

So my question is, can a few words make someone belong to another with no legal binding contract involved, just a few words? What exactly makes someone belong to you or you belong to them? A few practiced lines? You start hearing ladies make statements like, “don’t touch ‘my’ man, don’t ever let me see you near ‘my’ man again.” You are not even engaged to this person yet, and the person is yours? Wow! The men too say things like “I am going out with ‘my’ babe, I was on a call with ‘my’ babe.” Hehe. I don’t know how or where we learnt some of these principles that now govern our world today, but I believe that they deserve to be questioned until the reality behind them comes to life, or the vagueness begins to show.

It’s interesting that someone who a lady has claimed to be ‘my’ man suddenly stops being ‘her’ man after a number of years, simply because they have broken up, or they weren’t as compatible as they thought. So what happened to the ‘my’ term? You’ll begin hearing responses like, he wasn’t truly mine, hehe. But you both had done things only people that belonged to each other should have done. So all those actions with your former ‘possession’ goes where? Into thin air? Think again! Do you really belong to anybody?

When you take a deep look into the Bible, you’ll find out that ‘dating’ or ‘courting’ are not mentioned there. You can only pick out principles here and there to help you in the premarital stage. You’ll find out that even Joseph and Mary were already engaged to get married. Guess what, all the men that loved women went straight ahead to get married to the woman. Some of them didn’t go to meet the lady, go down on one knee and ask “would you marry me?” They went straight to the lady’s father to ask for her hand in marriage. There wasn’t a phase called ‘courtship’ or ‘dating’. You really don’t need to be in a special relationship first to know all about the person you intend to marry, because you will never know ALL about this person even if you dated for such a long while.

You should know this truth too, “there is no guarantee that your relationship would end up in marriage.” Many people have learnt now that it’s beyond prayer or confessions of love, there are other things that would keep a relationship together. Marriage in itself is another ball game. So I chuckle inside me when I see some ‘not marriage’ confessions of love on social media, with the nicest words the dictionary could offer. Simply showing to the world what the new possession is, if you decide to walk down that same road few months or years later, you find out that the pictures have been deleted, and the sweet statements too. Start to believe it now, you don’t belong to any man or any woman yet.

I am of the school of thought that you shouldn’t give a 100% to what could possibly fail. The worst of heartbreaks I have seen come from people who had given their ‘ALL’ or ‘TOO MUCH’ to another person in a relationship that when the other person pulls out, it seems like they don’t have anything left for themselves. They can’t seem to believe that the last few years of hard work has seemingly amounted to nothing. Sorry folks, but this is real life. Don’t give your all to who you are not married to. Give just enough to ensure that the relationship keeps moving forward. 70% is also an A too, and 60% is also a B, so don’t bother killing yourself to get a 100% in what you are not sure is going to be recorded. I’m sorry if I just touched your soft spot right there.

Yeah, I know you already chose your wedding gown, and have written down the name of your kids, but can you soft pedal a bit? Can you ask yourself, will I survive if this doesn’t work out? If your answer is “I can’t even imagine it, I will just die, life can never be the same again,” then I must confess you are already in way too deep.

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Let’s walk down the possession road together, shall we? Here’s what happens,  when you keep hearing “He is mine, she is mine.” A lot of assumptions start creeping in, your friends start asking you “How is your wife?, How is your husband?” There hasn’t even been a proposal yet. Then the assumptions make the couple begin to expect privileges that should not be accessed just yet. If a woman fully understands that she is not a man’s belonging or property, she is not in any way bound, or required to have sex with him, and vice versa. In many relationships today, access to moving a lady or guy from the friendship level to a ‘special person in my life level’ is a direct way of saying now we can start having sex. It now expected that it should be done freely. How? Where on earth did you get that from?

I have heard ladies make statements like “I did not want to lose him, so I had to give him what he wanted, so that I would keep him.” The real question is “did it take what he is requesting from you to have you get the relationship with him started?” If before the relationship he said “baby let’s have some sex, and if it’s good, then we’ll start a relationship together.” If those were the conditions, then good, so be it, let sex keep it going. But if sex was never in the build up, or ‘great in bed’ wasn’t one of the virtues that led you to starting the relationship, then sex should never have to keep it moving.

The next level of our walking down the possession road, is where complacency begins to creep in. It is at this point the couple begin to take each other for granted, since the assumption has already been built that regardless of what happens, they will get married. The level of expectation is higher, every mistake is aggravated. The couple simply become husband and wife without even being engaged. Some people sleep around saying, we would end up marrying at the end of the day, what’s the difference? Hehe. I can’t imagine a marriage that there is nothing new to look forward to.

Take a look at most celebrity marriages that have ended, you’ll find out that they really didn’t have to go to the altar, they were already living married. Marriage was just a step to make it official. Meanwhile, marriage should be what would make some things that shouldn’t be done in a relationship official, not the other way round. So I’m not really shocked when their marriages don’t even last for a year. Sometimes reality of a union dawns in on them, and they don’t want it.

I don’t believe anyone should belong to the other until they are married. Even scripture supports that. I believe relationships  should be like: the lady says to her friends, “I am looking forward to the day he will be my man, and the day I will be his woman, we are not there yet, but we are getting there.” Let the man say “she is a prospect I am really interested in making mine forever, I’m doing my best to work towards making her mine. But if the prospect doesn’t work out, I’ll surely find someone that would be mine someday.” I must admit that it is not so easy to adopt this approach, but it would save so many. Let your belonging to someone else, and someone else belonging to you be in marriage. When you get married give your marriage more than a 100%.

Let me bring some balance to this, I’m not saying courtship or dating is wrong. It’s what we are all tuned in to right now. I’m saying a relationship is nothing but a foundation that a future building would be laid upon. The building is marriage, even the foundation can only be fully completed in marriage. Am I saying don’t take your relationship seriously? No I’m not, I’m simply saying give it just enough to keep it alive, and that amount varies depending on the relationship you are in. Am I saying having your partner to yourself is wrong? No, I’m saying you shouldn’t have a partner you call your own until you are married, it’s all still a testing ground, and so no benefits go in that direction until you are one.

Don’t live a life that if your relationship ceases to be, you are doomed or finished. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst. It’s why it is good to have your own life, outside of your relationship, and your personal development out of it too. If the relationship works out, you both gain, if it doesn’t, you don’t lose your life. It’s my desire that men with a purpose say “I’m in a relationship with her and she is not mine yet” and the ladies too will say “I’m in a relationship with the one I love, but he doesn’t belong to me, when we get married, we belong to each other”. If you and I could be more like this, the world would surely be a better place. Remember it is right to want the sweetest things in life to last long, don’t rush your process, make sure you take it slow.

Thanks for reading.

Victory Odunjo

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27 thoughts on “I’m In A Relationship With Her, But She Is Not Mine

  1. Awesome post. These are real truths that both sexes need to hear. I am an Abstinence coach for single Christian women and these are issue that plague our women. We give too much too soon, and even fail to ask God to be the center of our relationships. I think the scenario you paint happens when we have not fully submitted everything to God and put the relationshipwith our chosen partner before our relationship with Christ. Great post and Thanks again!

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  2. Yeah right!!! Enough lessons to learn….@least it’ll discourage suicidal thoughts when the other person says he/she isn’t interested again or when family doesn’t support the union.
    Wait ooo Victory….this means we need back-ups @least if one doesn’t work, the other will work. LMAO

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    • Yes it would discourage suicidal thoughts, you are right! Lol @ back-ups. You really don’t need a back up if you intend that your current relationship works. Divided loyalty is another relationship wrecker. I believe your view should be, even if this relationship doesn’t work out, I’m sure I’ll find someone better, that would do better and the person is alive and already in existence 🙂 But not thinking I have a backup for the current person and even a back up for that back up.. Lol. It shouldn’t be another means of security. Thanks Esther

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  3. Hmmmm…nice read I must say. Definitely I’m all up for not giving a boyfriend husband priviledges and vice-versa. But what then do you call a person who you are in a courting/dating relationship? For instance if you need to intorduce them, what will you say? “Hello Victory, please meet A boyfriend – His name is XXX” Or isn’t the proper thing to say “my boyfriend” or are you to say “meet the person I’m dating”? I think nomeclature of your other half is a topic that should be different of what constitutes/goes on in the said relationship. Beacuse if they are not your boyfriend/girlfriend then what are they to you? Just a person whom you are in a relationship with? I will beg to differ. That you do not have a documented contract stating the terms of the relationship doesn’t shield it from living up to what an ideal, godly relationship should be with the intent of leading up the aisle. You know, there is something called a verbal contract. That is what dictates what is expected in such a relationship like respect, communication etc. Let’s assume one party cheated or something of the likes and you are describing the experience to a friend, what will you say “A boyfriend cheated on me” or “the person I’m dating cheated on me” rather than “My boyfriend cheated on me”? I think the latter will suffice. All the same you raised very salient points. Kudos!

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    • I get you Chidera, and your angle to it. I agree with your views too, but this article doesn’t downplay the standards of a relationship, like loyalty, faithfulness, communication, unity, and name it. I was all after the possession mentality. Call the one you love whatever you deem fit, there’s no reason why you should stop calling him his favorite pet name or whatever you usually call him because you are trying to be safe. I earlier said in the article that you should give to your relationship what it needs to work out, you determine that. I am not against the term boyfriend, lover, boo, fiance, partner and all. My highlighting the use of words like ‘my’ was to signify the source of where the mentality begins from. You still get to choose your use of words, I can’t do that for you. A lady can say “my boyfriend cheated on me” and not feel like committing suicide because he cheated, only because she knows he had not done the rites to have her as his own (Which is marriage). I believe the mentality is what is most important, the use of words may not have to change. I’ll add an example: If a lady works in a company that has decided to give a car to her that she will pay for over a period of two years. And she has begun taking the car around, and has one year and six months to pay off, when she sees her friends, would she say this is the company’s car or this is my car? I bet she’ll say this is my car. But does that mean that she doesn’t know its not totally hers yet? No i don’t think so. So it’s the mentality that matters. Thanks dear.

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  4. Well said. God is not pleased with this try and error we do in dating, let alone the heart breaks. let God lead your relationship and both parties give him their 100%.

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  5. @Chidera, I agree with you 200%. While not trying to get the benefits marriage will offer while still single and dating,I feel personalising the relationshgip is very important or else how does he differ from every other guy that’s my friend? Or do I have to compose long sentences like “meet the person I hope to spend my future with” at every point an introduction is to be made? Or how would he introduce me? “Meet one of my female friends…errm…the most important one”. Even God recognised the fact that Joseph took his relationship with Mary personal, that was why God had to send an angel to him, afterall if there was no deep commitment between them, there would have just been “joseph, mary is pregnant and since you guys aint taking the whole relationship matter personal in the first place, you can go ahead and take another girl for yourself. Anyway, I feel if you are in a relationship it should be obvious to all, if it doesn’t lead to marriage, it’s no big deal, but make it obvious except there’s something to hide.

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    • Well Motunrayo, we are not on different sides of the fence. Personalizing isn’t wrong at all. I didn’t write this piece to direct you on every single move in your relationship, what you call who you love, or what not. What resonates within you to call him? Boyfriend? Partner? Love of your life? Please call him that. I never also said anyone should hide their relationship, I made a strong point, that marriage is the ultimate, and an engagement is a step closer to that. Joseph and Mary were engaged. I don’t think Joseph was a fling either. All I said in this article was don’t be so possessive that you become gullible, give enough to make your relationship work, you may not have to go overboard and lose who you are in the process, and have marriage as the ultimate goal of your relationship. But what you choose to do or how you choose to run it, is totally up to you. Thanks for the comment 🙂

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  6. LENGTHY COMMENT ALERT!
    I believe in 100% which means if you haven’t heard from God do not even proceed with a relationship in the first place that been said I think the mindset to have is the mindset that says this person is not my everything but God is. In every relationship there is personalization “my friend” “my God” “my parents” etc. So the possessiveness you are clearly stating here is not the kind that comes with those kind of words. Its more like the selfish kind. This person’s life must revolve around us! Now that is possessiveness the one that comes from self esteem issues (*most times). We try to cage them so they could be ours and even in marriage being possessive is dangerous it doesn’t give the person room to be themselves and can be choking.

    Giving yourself away to a man that you are not married to keep him is more of esteem issues (*in most cases). A Pastor said relationships (*the serious kind) is a practice for marriage minus (*sex). So if you’re not heading towards marriage why head that way in the first place? With this in mind that the goal is marriage I think you will give it your 100% in the first place and 100% is you expressing God’s love and seeing this person as your sister/brother therefore you would guard their bodies the way you would want your sister/brother to be guarded and when it doesn’t work you walk away still being full with the Love of God because you have loved in the way God wanted you to love and you didn’t lose yourself or compromise your standards. Many at times we feel empty not because we have loved too much but because we are spent in trying to hold on to a person and have tried every means possible.

    Loving someone and taking them forgranted is not really because you are being possessive it means you don’t know how to love in the first place. So if your spouse shows you love when you are married does it mean such a love cannot be taken forgranted? We learn each day to love God’s way and Gods love is not advantageous in the sense that I see you love me and then I treat you in an unseemly manner. Possessiveness in it self is bad but some issues we face in relationships are more deeply rooted or because we do not understand love in the first instance. Thank you

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  7. I personally believe that even after marriage a 100 is risky, only GOD should get our 100. Human beings are too fickle, marriages crash every day ( am being very practical her), plus a car, a bullet, electric shock, anything can kill the person. Then what will you do when the person is “your life”, has “100 percent of you”. Keep 10 if possible.

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    • I think understanding what 100% means is really paramount. I don’t think anyone would want to be in a relationship knowing the other partner is putting in just 70%. When you also start guaging by percent I don’t think its Love. Let me love this person 70%. So I believe Jesus was the perfect example even when he knew he might not get love back he still loved us. 100% (means I have given this my best) in character, in forgiveness etc. Remember in school you target more and then it may drop – say 80%” and you get “70%”. So be the best person you can be in a relationship. 100% is what you take away even when it fails. There are risks in business if you are being practical but yet you give your business 100%. You said you could lose the person “What if I also lose my life?” (*does it mean I shouldn’t put in 100% into my life). 100% doesn’t say this person is your life. It just saying I am treating this person in the best possible way I want to be treated. Selfless love is what is (100%) to me. Loving God’s way is 100% not what ifs. There are many what ifs.

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    • Please Jewel, i’ll like ask, how do you explain the scripture that said “Love your wife as christ loved the church and submitting entirely to your husband” which is to the extent of laying down ones life for your partner. If that is not giving 100% then what is it.
      I choose to submit that a love that restraints form giving all for the sake of heartbreak is selfish and not sacrificial, which isn’t love anymore.

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  8. I believe the ideas presented in this post was as a result of the “worldly” way of relationship, because if not for that, there won’t be any fear in love because perfect love casts out fear, and since a christian shouldn’t make a move for a relationship until he’s convinced of God’s approval, it eliminates all forms of reservations to not love/submit like Christ want us to which is above 100%.

    Truly a relationship may not end in marriage, but don’t let the reason it ended be because you dint give it your best shot, but like the post said, don’t lose your identity to your relationship.

    Thanks Sir Victory. A pretty important post

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  9. Awesome write up sir victory, its a better mindset to nurture; and @lifegiva2, was waiting for your comment, lol, nice one

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