Welcome to our generation of many relationships, broken hearts, marriages, and broken homes. The successful ones also exist, defying the odds and proving others wrong. So today, we’re going to be discussing something very serious. I observe a lot, and I have noticed a very interesting trend amongst couples dating today. And trend is the possessive mentality. Is it not interesting to note that a guy that has probably known a lady for a while walks up to her and says something like: “Hey Jane, you know we’ve been friends for a while now, I want you to know that whenever I look into my future, I notice that it’s incomplete without you. Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives, it’s because he never met you. But I on the other hand have met you and known you, and I want to date you. What do you think?” Let’s say the lady friend says YES, and then trots off happily. She has immediately become his girlfriend right? Right!
So my question is, can a few words make someone belong to another with no legal binding contract involved, just a few words? What exactly makes someone belong to you or you belong to them? A few practiced lines? You start hearing ladies make statements like, “don’t touch ‘my’ man, don’t ever let me see you near ‘my’ man again.” You are not even engaged to this person yet, and the person is yours? Wow! The men too say things like “I am going out with ‘my’ babe, I was on a call with ‘my’ babe.” Hehe. I don’t know how or where we learnt some of these principles that now govern our world today, but I believe that they deserve to be questioned until the reality behind them comes to life, or the vagueness begins to show.
It’s interesting that someone who a lady has claimed to be ‘my’ man suddenly stops being ‘her’ man after a number of years, simply because they have broken up, or they weren’t as compatible as they thought. So what happened to the ‘my’ term? You’ll begin hearing responses like, he wasn’t truly mine, hehe. But you both had done things only people that belonged to each other should have done. So all those actions with your former ‘possession’ goes where? Into thin air? Think again! Do you really belong to anybody?
When you take a deep look into the Bible, you’ll find out that ‘dating’ or ‘courting’ are not mentioned there. You can only pick out principles here and there to help you in the premarital stage. You’ll find out that even Joseph and Mary were already engaged to get married. Guess what, all the men that loved women went straight ahead to get married to the woman. Some of them didn’t go to meet the lady, go down on one knee and ask “would you marry me?” They went straight to the lady’s father to ask for her hand in marriage. There wasn’t a phase called ‘courtship’ or ‘dating’. You really don’t need to be in a special relationship first to know all about the person you intend to marry, because you will never know ALL about this person even if you dated for such a long while.
You should know this truth too, “there is no guarantee that your relationship would end up in marriage.” Many people have learnt now that it’s beyond prayer or confessions of love, there are other things that would keep a relationship together. Marriage in itself is another ball game. So I chuckle inside me when I see some ‘not marriage’ confessions of love on social media, with the nicest words the dictionary could offer. Simply showing to the world what the new possession is, if you decide to walk down that same road few months or years later, you find out that the pictures have been deleted, and the sweet statements too. Start to believe it now, you don’t belong to any man or any woman yet.
I am of the school of thought that you shouldn’t give a 100% to what could possibly fail. The worst of heartbreaks I have seen come from people who had given their ‘ALL’ or ‘TOO MUCH’ to another person in a relationship that when the other person pulls out, it seems like they don’t have anything left for themselves. They can’t seem to believe that the last few years of hard work has seemingly amounted to nothing. Sorry folks, but this is real life. Don’t give your all to who you are not married to. Give just enough to ensure that the relationship keeps moving forward. 70% is also an A too, and 60% is also a B, so don’t bother killing yourself to get a 100% in what you are not sure is going to be recorded. I’m sorry if I just touched your soft spot right there.
Yeah, I know you already chose your wedding gown, and have written down the name of your kids, but can you soft pedal a bit? Can you ask yourself, will I survive if this doesn’t work out? If your answer is “I can’t even imagine it, I will just die, life can never be the same again,” then I must confess you are already in way too deep.
Let’s walk down the possession road together, shall we? Here’s what happens, when you keep hearing “He is mine, she is mine.” A lot of assumptions start creeping in, your friends start asking you “How is your wife?, How is your husband?” There hasn’t even been a proposal yet. Then the assumptions make the couple begin to expect privileges that should not be accessed just yet. If a woman fully understands that she is not a man’s belonging or property, she is not in any way bound, or required to have sex with him, and vice versa. In many relationships today, access to moving a lady or guy from the friendship level to a ‘special person in my life level’ is a direct way of saying now we can start having sex. It now expected that it should be done freely. How? Where on earth did you get that from?
I have heard ladies make statements like “I did not want to lose him, so I had to give him what he wanted, so that I would keep him.” The real question is “did it take what he is requesting from you to have you get the relationship with him started?” If before the relationship he said “baby let’s have some sex, and if it’s good, then we’ll start a relationship together.” If those were the conditions, then good, so be it, let sex keep it going. But if sex was never in the build up, or ‘great in bed’ wasn’t one of the virtues that led you to starting the relationship, then sex should never have to keep it moving.
The next level of our walking down the possession road, is where complacency begins to creep in. It is at this point the couple begin to take each other for granted, since the assumption has already been built that regardless of what happens, they will get married. The level of expectation is higher, every mistake is aggravated. The couple simply become husband and wife without even being engaged. Some people sleep around saying, we would end up marrying at the end of the day, what’s the difference? Hehe. I can’t imagine a marriage that there is nothing new to look forward to.
Take a look at most celebrity marriages that have ended, you’ll find out that they really didn’t have to go to the altar, they were already living married. Marriage was just a step to make it official. Meanwhile, marriage should be what would make some things that shouldn’t be done in a relationship official, not the other way round. So I’m not really shocked when their marriages don’t even last for a year. Sometimes reality of a union dawns in on them, and they don’t want it.
I don’t believe anyone should belong to the other until they are married. Even scripture supports that. I believe relationships should be like: the lady says to her friends, “I am looking forward to the day he will be my man, and the day I will be his woman, we are not there yet, but we are getting there.” Let the man say “she is a prospect I am really interested in making mine forever, I’m doing my best to work towards making her mine. But if the prospect doesn’t work out, I’ll surely find someone that would be mine someday.” I must admit that it is not so easy to adopt this approach, but it would save so many. Let your belonging to someone else, and someone else belonging to you be in marriage. When you get married give your marriage more than a 100%.
Let me bring some balance to this, I’m not saying courtship or dating is wrong. It’s what we are all tuned in to right now. I’m saying a relationship is nothing but a foundation that a future building would be laid upon. The building is marriage, even the foundation can only be fully completed in marriage. Am I saying don’t take your relationship seriously? No I’m not, I’m simply saying give it just enough to keep it alive, and that amount varies depending on the relationship you are in. Am I saying having your partner to yourself is wrong? No, I’m saying you shouldn’t have a partner you call your own until you are married, it’s all still a testing ground, and so no benefits go in that direction until you are one.
Don’t live a life that if your relationship ceases to be, you are doomed or finished. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst. It’s why it is good to have your own life, outside of your relationship, and your personal development out of it too. If the relationship works out, you both gain, if it doesn’t, you don’t lose your life. It’s my desire that men with a purpose say “I’m in a relationship with her and she is not mine yet” and the ladies too will say “I’m in a relationship with the one I love, but he doesn’t belong to me, when we get married, we belong to each other”. If you and I could be more like this, the world would surely be a better place. Remember it is right to want the sweetest things in life to last long, don’t rush your process, make sure you take it slow.
Thanks for reading.
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